My Husband "Subvet" says that when our first son "Sonshine" was born the sun rose on our world, when our second son "Gator" was born the sun laughed and when our daughter "Sugars" was born all the flowers bloomed. That says it all.

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain."
Anonymous

Your mind is the garden, your
thoughts are the seeds, the harvest can either be flowers or weeds. — William
Wordsworth

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Think I'll stick to my razor thanks.

I got this in an email from my Anonymous commentor. Darn near woke the baby laughing so hard so I had to share!

Hair Removal....
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises
of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax. Read on.........




My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of
the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks
in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold
wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented

myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
"So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we
go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off
with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.


What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!


It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!


So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

5 comments:

Penless Thoughts said...

Sarah!!! It is 2:20 a.m. (I couldn't sleep) and I am cracking up reading this. I've never had the slightest leaning to try the waxing. I sure wouldn't now!!!!!
Can you say, "tears of laughter running down my cheeks".
Susan

MammyT said...

That is HILARIOUS!
nancy

BumbleVee said...

okay....well,....it is a funny story, but.... if no hair actually ripped off when she pulled of the strip, uhm, there would not have been any pain in the first place. Trust me. I know. I, too, once tried wax. Hot wax. And... the painful part is when you rip off and the hair rips out..and ...oh, oh. oh.... I hopped around in circles for a full 30 seconds after ripping! If not a hair had moved... I wouldn't have hopped.

Needless to say I only did one bikini strip...didn't go quite as Brazilian as she did ... and threw the whole kit in the garbage after my first painful shriek!. Shaving is easier...

diana said...

oh, that is too funny. i've done the waxing thing a few times. in my opinion, yah, it stings but then you get used to it.

Pinky said...

OUCH! This has convinced me to NEVER wax. Not that I wanted to, but this is evidence that it is dangerous!! hee hee. Too funny, friend. May I just ask...why???? It's winter, for heaven's sake.