Holy Shit!

Let that title be a warning. What follows is a sea story from Cookie. And I never ask sailors to clean up their sea stories. (Takes all the fun out of the story!) And this one is STINKING hilarious!

I laughed so hard at this story that I had to repost it. It'll keep y'all occupied while I work on my sewing/potty training projects! Ummm WARNING no beverages, no snacks, and go pee before you read this one!

Enjoy! and thanks Cookie!

Speakin of bein in real deep shit ......



As most of ya already know, I'm an old Bubblehead (Submariner), and I posted this here post bout a year or so ago and received 33 comments regarding this completely true story...and alot a folks got a real good laugh outta it...so...fer those of you who are new readers or mighta missed it ( like Subvet, his "War Department and Sonarman)...here t'is agin...Enjoy!

Ohhh Man...I'm in reeeal deep shit this time....

Well Sir...as of late...several of my close feller bloggers have been humorously nostalgisizin bout funny past experiences in their live...so here's a true account of something I did while stationed about the submarine the USS Piper SS409.....most of you old bubbleheads will probably enjoy this story....and hopefully ....ya won't be able to relate to it frum experience.....

Now...fer you folks that aren't in the know... at first this story might get a little boring and technical...but it's necessary for me to explain some things to y'all so's ya will understand just what was happenin....bear with me please, it'll be well worth it. On the old fleet boats (WWII Submarines)..all the various water and sewage piping drained into the Sanitary Tanks...things like the sinks, showers, coffee urn, heads (toilets), urinals, skuttlebutts (drinking fountains) and few other extraneous systems having to do with water/sewage.

Now Sir...this tank had to be emptied (blown) overboard just about everyday during a certain duty watch...and there was a very explicit way to do this that entailed closing every valve..frum every line and every pipe that ran into the Sanitary tanks throughout the entire Boat....and there was a check-list that y'all had to use to make sure you had in fact closed every single drain valve in the boat.

Once all the drain valves goin to the Sanitary Tanks were closed...the sailor would then proceed to a pressurization station in the After Battery compartment...and open several other valves...one of them being the "Outer" Sanitary Tank valve...this being the underwater valve that was outside the boat. Once completed...he would then pressurize the Sanitary tank by putting about 20 lbs of compressed air pressure into it.... thus flushing all sewage out of the tank and overboard into the ocean. Now y'all can see why all the other valves had t'be shut first....so's nuthin could blow back up the lines. I know this has been kinda boring to y'all....but stay with me.......

Now Sir...I had done this procedure many ....many times...and had never had a problem...but on this particular evening...sumthin went wrong. One could tell when the Sanitary Tank was emptying out by watchin a "Yarway" guage on the bulkhead (wall)...and when the tank was empty...you would secure the blow by turning off the air pressure....close a couple a valves at this station...and Re-open all the drain valves throughout the boat.

Well Sir, on this one disasterous and infamous evenin...I put 20 pounds a pressure in there as yur supposed to...and nuthin happened! The guage didn't budge. Tapped the guage...nuthin. Re-adjusted all the valves at that station...nuthin. OK...now what? Well...what the hell...let me give it 25 pounds of pressure....still nuthin. Godamnit...what the f*#k is goin on here? Checked all the immediate valves to make sure that they were in the correct positions....gave the system another 25 pound shot....nuthin. OK you SOB...here's 30 pounds a pressure......take that.....nuthin. The guage wasn't droppin one iota......

Totally flummoxed....I re-re-checked evrythin agin...gave it pressure....still nuthin. OK...damn you...y'all wanna play rough...here's 40 f*#kin pounds a pressure (twice the amount yur sposed t'use). Ah Ha...the guage jumped and then started goin down...the tank was finally emptying. At about that same moment in time...a crewmember nicknamed "Wingnut" cause a his big ears...came running through the After Battery yelling "SECURE THE BLOW....SECURE THE BLOW"!

I immediately shut the pressure valve off, looked at "Wingnut"....and asked.."what's wrong?" He looked at me...and with a broad-ass grin goin frum one a his huge ears to the other said... "Man...I'm real glad I ain't you". What are y'all talkin bout I asked agin. Now.....laughin uncontrolably and holdin his sides....Wingnut barely got it out that I needed get into the Crew's Mess right away..."the COB wants to see you"......

Now fer those a you unfamiliar...the COB is the "Chief of the Boat"...the most senior and experienced enlisted man on a submarine...he's next to God...his power is legendary....even the Captain listens to him when he speaks. Now...the COB on our boat was a grizzly old character named Joe Negri...and it was said that he'd been in the Navy so long that he had been First Mate on Noah's Ark... and he ate torpedo explosives fer breakfast and washed it all down with diesel oil....this guy was in the Navy when the ships were made of wood...and the men were made of steel...y'all gettin a mental picture yet....?

Now Sir....when I entered the Crew's Mess....I was greeted with a scene very reminiscent of....





...the only difference was that the bear...otherwise known as the COB....Joe Negri...the most Senior Chief Petty Officer in the United States Navy....was standin there with a coffee cup danglin from his hand and he was completely covered in SHIT!...frum his head to his toes...shit was drippin of his weathered old chief's hat, his nose, his chin, his ears, his eyebrows, his belt buckle..everywhere. The crews mess and galley was covered in shit...the deck was covered in shit....and when I seen what I had done....and the look on the COB's face....I almost added somemore shit to the scene myself via the back a my pants.

Well Sir...once old Joe got done tearin this here bubblehead a brand new asshole and callin me names I ain't never heard of before...or since...he stormed outta the Mess Hall bellowin t'me over his shoulder that he damned sure wasn't through with me yet....

There was dead silence fer a few seconds after he stormed through the hatch inta the Control Room...except for some expletive statements like "What the F*#K smells?" coming from Officers in the Control Room, then...all the crew members who had been in the Mess Hall when the proverbial shit hit the fan...or rather the COB...broke into hysterical laughter.

Some crew members told me that the scene of the shit explosion occurred somthin like this....

Several guys were sitting in the galley quietly havin a cup a coffee or playin Cribbage when they heard a very loud noise that sounded like "Sproing!" (that was the sound of the drain line valve from the coffee urn to the Sanitary Tank breaking under double it's intended pressure). At about the same time...the COB happened to come around the corner to get a cup of coffee...he put his coffee cup under the serving spicket on the urn and pulled it....KABLOOM....shit that was bein pushed by 40 pounds of pressure...hit the bottom of his coffee cup and exploded up and out like Mt. Vesuvius and instantly covered him from head to toe....then shit continued to blast into the galley through the still open spicket and the broken glass tubes on the front of the urn. They said that the COB had the most horrified, puzzled, surprised, disgusting, confused and angry expression on his face...all at the same time...that they couldn't even mimic what his face looked like. The rest is history.......

Now...it don't take genius to figure out just who had to clean up all the shit. The coffee urn...a total loss...oh it was fixed and cleaned...but ain't nobody would ever drink outta it after that...includin me....the boat had t'get a new one.

Now Sir....I originally stuck t'my story that I had only used the required 20 pounds a pressure...nuthin more. Musta been a faulty valve said I. This always left a doubt in some minds as to just how much I was to blame fer the whole thing....

Well Sir...now...for the first time in 42 years...I'm finally fessin up. Joe...if'n yur out there somewhere readin this....I apologise to y'all fer all the shit I gave ya (sorry...couldn't resist).....and I deserved every "shit" detail and wurk assignment y'all gave me fer the next three months...as well as how ya restricted me to the boat with no leave or liberty....as well as all the chippin & paintin assignments ya gave me...as well as all the extra watches I had to stand....and the extra "Mess Cookin"(KP) duties....and the "bilge watches"...and all the ass chewin's that followed...no sir...I deserved it all Joe...and may God Bless ya where-ever you may be......you were a man's man.

ADDENDUM:

My good buddy Sig over at Signal94 has quite an imagination...and after he read my account of this comedic episode in my life...he wrote these lyrics some months back when the above was just posted...it's done to the Theme from the Beverly Hillbillies....

Cookie's Big Adventure

Come and listen to m’ story ‘bout a man named Gene
Cruising under water in a fleet submarine.
Then one day he’s trying to blow a little air
Into a high pressure steel derrière.
A sanitary tank that is…
Fulla beans...Submarine ass beans I reckon…

Now it won’t flush and Gene’s pumpin’ harder
Sending lotsa pressure into the Piper’s poopy larder.
Building up a force that is close enough to earn
A blown safety valve inside the galley’s urn.
Sit yerself down sailor...Pour a cuppa joe
It’ll be yer last…

So the next thing ya know all hell's a breaking loose
With butt torpedoes from every man’s caboose.
With all that pressure every turd is liquefied
“The COB wants ta see ya!” and Cookie nearly died.
Scared he was... Dunno what's happenin ..’What's that funky smell …

Well the COB’s like a maniac, he’s in an awful snit.
Screamin’ and yellin’ while he’s covered in sub shit.
But Cookie cleaned the mess he made and finally settled down;
And now he’s a blogger of no little renown.
Thanks for stoppin’ by now.
Ya’ll come back now, Ya hear?

For those of you who've asked.....Subvet's blog is titled "Blowin San #1". It refers to Blowing Sanitary Tank #1...Now you know what that means. Subvet assures me that he only blew OUT of the Sub as opposed to IN it... :-)