1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one swift movement, toss the cat in the toilet and slam both lids closed BEFORE his claws dig into the porcelain. Most likely you will need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Disregard the noises that come from the toilet. Remember, even though they will never admit it, cats actually enjoy this type of special pampering.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and 'power-rinse' and ensures that you get all those hard-to-reach spots.
6. Have someone else open the front and back doors of your home, ESPECIALLY SCREEN DOORS! Also have them ensure that there are no people between the bathroom and the nearest door.
7. Put on THICK leather work gloves and protective clothing on your arms and legs. Stand on the bathroom counter or the back of the toilet, yell 'FIRE IN THE HOLE - STAND CLEAR!!!' at the top of your lungs, wait 3 seconds until everyone is looking at you like you're crazy, and then quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet (this is where 9-foot ceilings REALLY pay off!), streak out of the bathroom, blast thru the house at mach 3, and shoot out the door like a bullet. Fear not ... Once outside he will take it upon himself to dry off and groom himself.
9. Voila! Both the toilet and the cat are clean!